Meeting My Monkeys

I have 2 AMAZING little monkeys! They are monkeys because since they have been able to move they have been climbing up and onto everything they possibly can! They are the lights that guide me through life, my shining stars so to speak. Let me introduce you to my babies!

Kaida.



It means “little dragon” in Japanese. I wanted my kids to have their own, original names, ones that weren’t very common. And she is a little dragon! Fire-breathing and all!
I dreamt of this girl since I was 15! Sounds crazy, huh? So many ways of her coming into the world, holding her, loving her. But no dream could have prepared me for the reality that was my Kaida. She was a whopping 10 pounds 13 ounces and split mommy’s pelvis. Ouch! My wonderful doctor didn’t waste any time though. After 4 hours of simple labor, 4 hours of hard labor, and several various failed attempts, he took her via emergency c-section.
I remember being tied down to the surgery table, numb from the ribs down and completely incapable of moving when I heard her first and only cry. An amazing RN cleaned her, brought her over to me, let me take a long look, then rushed her out to the maternity ward where Daddy took over watch while they took her vitals and fed her. THIS was the point where he’d be forever wrapped around her fingers! LOL!
Now, her and Daddy will start playing, Daddy pinches at her nose and tells her he has her nose, and then walks away. Kaida starts crying hysterically, “That’s MY NOSE!” and chases after him to retrieve it. She also growls frequently, and runs up to Daddy, strikes her ninja pose and yells, “HIYYAAAAA!”
She is almost three now and is quite bossy. She tells me, “Mommy, I want cookie, NNOWWWW!!!!” as she growls at me, grabbing my finger, and forcefully yanking me towards the kitchen. But she is also one of the sweetest things I know. A perfect stranger comes to the door and she greets them, EVERY one of them, with a hug! And will not let ANYONE leave without a hug or kiss! In fact, she will stand there at the door and cry if she didn’t get a hug! She loves her brother, the other monkey! She loves showing him everything she isn’t supposed to be doing. She gets mad at Mommy for disciplining her little brother, apparently, SHE is the only one allowed to smack him! When I pop him on the hand and tell him to get out of stuff she yells and me and says, “Mommy, be nice!”
That’s my girl!

Draven.



I got his name from my favorite movie, The Crow, the one with Brandon Lee.
He came along barely a year after Kaida. I hadn’t quite had time to heal… yes I know the saying, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” Thankfully I didn’t gain as much with him, and he was much smaller than she, only 8 pounds 1 ounce. He was a planned c-section. 40 weeks is still a long time it seems! I really hated being pregnant! I was so miserable. The only enjoyable part was feeling them moving. That was pretty awesome.
Draven is my little light. He has my Dad’s eyes, which is truly amazing! He tests me constantly. He is addicted to electronics and DVD cases, you know, all the things a one-year-old shouldn’t touch! When he is doing something he knows he shouldn’t, I will give him a glare and point my finger at him, so he will give me the same glare and point his finger right back at me! And that just makes me laugh! So I have to quickly leave the room before I burst out laughing and ruin my seriousness, which almost always fails! He loves being mean to other kids. He has the most persistent cry I have ever heard from a baby with some amazingly powerful lungs. He is a very happy boy, until sister takes everything away from him, which she can be counted on to do frequently! He is a hugger also, loves to give everyone loves! He is already learning great manipulation skills, and has both his Grandmas fooled. But Grandmas are there to do the spoiling. Mommy sees through his little games, but he’s so flipping cute it’s hard to resist!
He is too smart for his own good, just like his sister! They are both too friendly for their own good, too! They are both learning sign language at an amazing rate! Draven loves books, Kaida loves taking them away from him. Draven loves music, Kaida loves to sing and dance. They make one great team!


I never thought I’d ever have kids. I never really imagined myself a Mommy. But it truly is my favorite job. Their tiny hands, their tiny toes, and their voices of sugar and honey make Mommy melt. I can just sit and watch them be themselves for hours. They are my perfect little monkeys!

2 Months Shy of Eternity

I saw him.
I saw him before I met him. And I believe in my heart that I loved him before I met him. I believe that I knew he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with before I even knew his name or heard him speak.
And then I learned his name and heard him speak. And he looked at me, and he saw me, and my heart was forever pierced, forever scarred with his love. He apparently felt the same.
Things moved very fast. We kissed, we loved, we came together, we made promises, we moved in together. Things got rough, things got easy. We met each other’s families and friends. We made a life together, just the two of us.
But no one tells you just how much life gets in the way of actually living. I had school and work, he had work, and there seemed to be no time for “us” in the middle. I was distracted, then he was distracted, and we seemed to lose touch of each other. I made the mistake of putting my studies in front of him. He made the mistake of putting something else in front of me. Painfully, we drifted apart. Good-bye seemed to be the best choice, but it wasn’t the right answer. We found our hearts, still incredibly in love with each other. We came out of that mess stronger than before, more in love than before. He really was and is a great man, and I’ll never say otherwise!
Things were great again. But life is frustrating. Relationships are frustrating. I’m not sure really if it’s me, if it’s him, or if it’s the combination of us, but this cycle returned again. This time good-bye approached once again, and then passed us by like before. We loved each other. There was never any doubt about that. But did we really know how to love each other. Could we really keep this up forever?
After the second near-good-bye experience and six years together, we got married. He and I really went through a lot together. He was there for so many things for me. The stress of school, losing my dad, the car wreck that broke my back, difficulties with family, and so many other things. He really was my best friend, in times when I had no other friends! I clung to him. And I’d like to believe he did the same to me.
He got a better job offer and we moved. After 8 years together we finally had our first child, then our second. Naively, I thought things would get better. I thought he would just wake up and be full of life because of them. But the exact opposite happened.
He slips… further… and further into his abyss. He wants us… well I’m not sure he does. He loves us, there’s no question to that. And I know he misses us.
I stood in front of our friends and family, and promised the preacher and God that I would love this man for time and all eternity. Well… eternity came 2 months shy of 11 years. My apologies God.
Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I had to do it. And I am sorry to say that I did it without a single… tear… falling. Happiness is key in this short of a life. He was no longer happy with me, I could feel that. He wasn’t happy being the family man that I always wanted when I dreamt of having kids. And I wasn’t happy pretending to be happy. I will love that man forever, but I know now in my heart, he isn’t the one I am supposed to spend my forever with.