I saw him.
I saw him before I met him. And I believe in my heart that I loved him before I met him. I believe that I knew he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with before I even knew his name or heard him speak.
And then I learned his name and heard him speak. And he looked at me, and he saw me, and my heart was forever pierced, forever scarred with his love. He apparently felt the same.
Things moved very fast. We kissed, we loved, we came together, we made promises, we moved in together. Things got rough, things got easy. We met each other’s families and friends. We made a life together, just the two of us.
But no one tells you just how much life gets in the way of actually living. I had school and work, he had work, and there seemed to be no time for “us” in the middle. I was distracted, then he was distracted, and we seemed to lose touch of each other. I made the mistake of putting my studies in front of him. He made the mistake of putting something else in front of me. Painfully, we drifted apart. Good-bye seemed to be the best choice, but it wasn’t the right answer. We found our hearts, still incredibly in love with each other. We came out of that mess stronger than before, more in love than before. He really was and is a great man, and I’ll never say otherwise!
Things were great again. But life is frustrating. Relationships are frustrating. I’m not sure really if it’s me, if it’s him, or if it’s the combination of us, but this cycle returned again. This time good-bye approached once again, and then passed us by like before. We loved each other. There was never any doubt about that. But did we really know how to love each other. Could we really keep this up forever?
After the second near-good-bye experience and six years together, we got married. He and I really went through a lot together. He was there for so many things for me. The stress of school, losing my dad, the car wreck that broke my back, difficulties with family, and so many other things. He really was my best friend, in times when I had no other friends! I clung to him. And I’d like to believe he did the same to me.
He got a better job offer and we moved. After 8 years together we finally had our first child, then our second. Naively, I thought things would get better. I thought he would just wake up and be full of life because of them. But the exact opposite happened.
He slips… further… and further into his abyss. He wants us… well I’m not sure he does. He loves us, there’s no question to that. And I know he misses us.
I stood in front of our friends and family, and promised the preacher and God that I would love this man for time and all eternity. Well… eternity came 2 months shy of 11 years. My apologies God.
Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I had to do it. And I am sorry to say that I did it without a single… tear… falling. Happiness is key in this short of a life. He was no longer happy with me, I could feel that. He wasn’t happy being the family man that I always wanted when I dreamt of having kids. And I wasn’t happy pretending to be happy. I will love that man forever, but I know now in my heart, he isn’t the one I am supposed to spend my forever with.