Push It

As far down as it will go.

Push it to a place where it cannot enter my mind.

I push this thought, this devastatingly negative thought, down until it feels like it is erased. It can’t exist. There is no place for it. No room. No time. No energy saved for it.

Push it down. Muffle it. Think of ANYTHING... BUT… IT!!

I don’t want it here. I can’t bare it. I don’t have what it takes to think of it. I can’t imagine anyone would.

I relax my mind. It’s hard to do, but I relax it. I think of the many things that DO make me happy. Hearing the monkeys giggle and whisper as they play. Feeling my husband’s arms around my waist and his presence in my heart. Seeing the baby sleeping peacefully in his isolette. I imagine him coming home, and seeing the excited looks on the monkey’s faces when they finally meet him.

I relax.

There are many things to be happy for. So many things to be thankful for.

I thank God for the wonderful life we have. For the amazing friends I have, old and new. So many people helping us, praying for us. I don’t even know how many hearts pray for my newest little monkey to get stronger, bigger, and healthier. But I am so thankful for each of them.

And then it emerges.

This thought I’ve been pushing down for weeks. The one that first consumed me when I realized I was having contractions 3 minutes apart. I feared he was too young, and wouldn’t survive. I wasn’t just afraid to deliver him in Tonopah, I was simply afraid for him to come out at all as early as he did.

I try to push it. I try to hand this disheartening thought over to God.

And that finds me in a loop.

I ask Him… no, BEG Him to keep Draikaiden safe, keep him strong, and keep him here with me.

But how many times do I have to Beg Him not to take my son before I feel secure enough?

And does it matter how much we pray for him, how many people are praying, or how frequently I talk to God? Because, in the end, everything is God’s will isn’t it? When He decides that HE wants or needs someone, his or her time is simply up isn’t it?

I’m angry, but there is no one to be angry with. I want to scream and shout and swing my fists, but there is no one who deserves the blame.

So I push it.

Push it all back down and remind myself of the wonderful things in life NOW.

Three Weeks Old!!!

Just stopping by to do a quick update.

Draikaiden is doing well. He has no major issues, which is a blessing having been born 15 weeks early!!!

Today he is three weeks old. He’s very tough, and a little temperamental. He knows what he likes and that’s how he wants it!!! He’s such a little fighter. 

He’s been bumped up on his feedings, now receiving nearly 3cc’s every 3 hours. To help you understand how much milk that is, 1 teaspoon equals 5cc’s. He’s starting to gain weight, today he is exactly 2 pounds! He started off at 1 pound 10 oz at birth. His weight fluctuates quite a bit still, but now that he is eating more, he should really start to gain.

The doctor wants to ween him off of the breathing machine for a second time. The first time he was off for nearly 24 hours of breathing on his own. We are hoping this time is longer or even permanent. The longer he needs the machine to breathe for him, the higher the risk of him having chronic lung problems throughout his life. So we are praying hard for him. 

He is strong. He is tough. He is growing and improving a little every day. So many people are praying for him and for that I am tremendously thankful.

The monkeys have been in Winnemucca (7 hrs north of where we are in Vegas) since a few days after the delivery. I miss them terribly, but they will be here with me next week. I have been staying with a great friend, Jana, here in Vegas, and will stay here until Draikaiden is ready to come home. Todd is at home in Tonopah (3 hours north) and we only see each other when we can afford the trip for one of us to travel either there or here. Today he is coming down here to see the baby. Last week I was able to go up and spend a day with him. It’s difficult being away from him, he is my strength and support system.

This has been difficult to deal with, but a very dear friend, Tamara, put a bracelet on my arm which reads, One Day at a Time. And that is the only way I can take it now. It’s hard to plan ahead, because as of now, this tiny little man is the boss. Everything depends on his progress, his milestones, and all the blessings God can give him. He’s already been an incredible blessing to me and I feel I have changed as a person and mom. I pray like crazy that God gives me the strength to get through this.