Push It

As far down as it will go.

Push it to a place where it cannot enter my mind.

I push this thought, this devastatingly negative thought, down until it feels like it is erased. It can’t exist. There is no place for it. No room. No time. No energy saved for it.

Push it down. Muffle it. Think of ANYTHING... BUT… IT!!

I don’t want it here. I can’t bare it. I don’t have what it takes to think of it. I can’t imagine anyone would.

I relax my mind. It’s hard to do, but I relax it. I think of the many things that DO make me happy. Hearing the monkeys giggle and whisper as they play. Feeling my husband’s arms around my waist and his presence in my heart. Seeing the baby sleeping peacefully in his isolette. I imagine him coming home, and seeing the excited looks on the monkey’s faces when they finally meet him.

I relax.

There are many things to be happy for. So many things to be thankful for.

I thank God for the wonderful life we have. For the amazing friends I have, old and new. So many people helping us, praying for us. I don’t even know how many hearts pray for my newest little monkey to get stronger, bigger, and healthier. But I am so thankful for each of them.

And then it emerges.

This thought I’ve been pushing down for weeks. The one that first consumed me when I realized I was having contractions 3 minutes apart. I feared he was too young, and wouldn’t survive. I wasn’t just afraid to deliver him in Tonopah, I was simply afraid for him to come out at all as early as he did.

I try to push it. I try to hand this disheartening thought over to God.

And that finds me in a loop.

I ask Him… no, BEG Him to keep Draikaiden safe, keep him strong, and keep him here with me.

But how many times do I have to Beg Him not to take my son before I feel secure enough?

And does it matter how much we pray for him, how many people are praying, or how frequently I talk to God? Because, in the end, everything is God’s will isn’t it? When He decides that HE wants or needs someone, his or her time is simply up isn’t it?

I’m angry, but there is no one to be angry with. I want to scream and shout and swing my fists, but there is no one who deserves the blame.

So I push it.

Push it all back down and remind myself of the wonderful things in life NOW.