Sunday, February 8, 2015

Not Good Enough


1. the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. 
Please take note that the definition of addiction does not mention the word "games" nor "alternate reality." Please notice also that the definition does not describe what literally happens to the addict, everything the family goes through trying to get their loved one through said addiction, or even just to get their attention. But, hopefully with God's Grace I can put it into words.
These are the literal definition sets of the following words:

verb (used with object)
1. to separate (a part) from the whole, as by cutting or the like.
2. to divide into parts, especially forcibly; cleave.
3. to break off or dissolve (ties, relations, etc.).
4. Law. to divide into parts; disunite (an estate, titles of a statute, etc.).
5. to distinguish; discriminate between.
verb (used without object)
6. to become separated from each other; become divided into parts.
1. emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish.
adjective, sadder, saddest.
1. affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful: to feel sad because a close friend has moved away.
2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow: sad looks; a sad song.
3. causing sorrow: a sad disappointment; sad news.
4. (of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.
5. deplorably bad; sorry: a sad attempt.
6. Obsolete. firm or steadfast.
verb (used with object)
1. to sever or interrupt the connection of or between; detach:
They disconnected the telephone. We were disconnected.
verb (used without object)
2. to sever or terminate a connection, as of a telephone; hang up:
State your business and disconnect.
3. to withdraw into one's private world:
When social pressures become too great, she simply disconnects.
    adjective, lonelier, loneliest.
   1.affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
   2.destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
   3.lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
   4.remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.
    5.standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.

Now, with those simple definitions given, I must confess... I currently feel every one of them and a plethora more, for the umpteenth time... close beneath the skin... closer than i am comfortable with... scraping the empty cavity of my chest like a dull razor blade, and weighing down my mind and body mentally and physically with sickness and exhaustion so intense there's probably only a handful of people who could possibly comprehend or even survive it. I've been with this man for 16 long years. I've chosen HIM time and time again over other roads, roads I was sure would be better and happier, and still ponder to this day. We've been through hell together, and somehow come out together. But as soon as he is certain that I am not on my way out, he rushes right back into his sole happiness. And the second he turns on that digital world where his mind is enveloped within the folds of fantasy, fiction, and unrealistic behaviors, I can admit... never before or after in my life have I ever felt so severed, so desperately stricken with heartache, so bitterly saddened, severely disconnected, or immensely lonely. Not ever!!!! And what makes it even more unbearable is... he doesn't know. He doesn't KNOW that he is addicted. He doesn't KNOW that his repeated choices have crushed his children and left his wife empty, yet AGAIN. HE, the addict, will justify his playing time, will argue anyone who questions it, and will dispute any case you could possibly bring against him as to WHY he should be allowed to choose to LIVE his free life WITHIN a digital reality, a place where he holds the weapons, and every loved one in close range will feel the bullets piercing our already broken hearts.
In his mind, it was just an hour ago that he turned the game on. In reality, It was 2 days ago. 
In his mind, he's just gonna play a couple rounds with "the guys"... In reality, the first round began 16 hours ago.
In his mind, He "worked" hard all week (3-4 days) and DESERVES to just relax and let loose with what HE desires for a few hours... in reality, that was 3 days ago when he came home "tired" from a long grave-yard shift at work. Sooooo tired, in fact, that he blew off his son's cupcake party and family birthday dinner so he could sleep.... I WISH... he played his game for 10 more hours of that "tired" after a 13-hour shift.
This unhappy, bitter wife has been thru 16-years of promises, of "i will Quits," of new beginnings, or shallow and empty words. I cannot believe it any longer.

So in the meantime, back on 'ole Good Planet Earth where reality is harsh and unforgiving and there are NO re-spawns for a failed attempt, Mommy is left alone to deal with her degenerative disc disease, split and tilted pelvis, bulging c-spine discs, damaged sacrum, chronic migraines thanks to Uncle Joey's headbutt at age 17, and the fabulous fibromyalgia that poisons every fiber of my being with pain so excruciating that a normal person couldn't possibly live 5 minutes with... OH ... AND the precocious 8-year-old girl who is excelling in all her classes but tends to lean a little too close to the social butterfly stage; AND the amazing 7-year-old who is an exact replica of my father, GOD Rest His Soul, and just cares quite too much what others think of him and still to this day has a weak bond with daddy; AND the little miracle of 1 lb. 6 oz. who is 4-YEARS-OLD now and too advanced in his thinking, but too repressed in his speech. Mom's got this. Right? Mom should have this, right? IF Mom was HEALTHY, Mom would have this with a scoop of ice cream and pie. Apple, thank you. But THIS mom ISN'T healthy. She's quite broken indeed. LIFE happened to her. To borrow, for just a brief moment, Lemony Snicket's term, a Series of Unfortunate Events happened to THIS mommy to make her exactly what she is today: not healthy, not pain-free, not whole, not okay, not sane, and not capable of doing ALL this on her own. 
But, Far be it from the Man to see or notice. Seems when something unfortunate happens to mommy, his words are, and I quote, without the NEEDED HUG, "You need to Give it to God," as he walks away from me quickly to turn on HIS world. All he sees is that he has more men to Kill and "this" person from some random part of the world NEEDS his assistance. His wife or kids needing HIM is substantially irrellevent, because, afterall, WE have his PAYCHECK. AND that makes it ALL okay, right? 
I think you'll find quite a different idea of what a Daddy and Husband is from THIS family. I've been broker than broke. And now we have a great, beautiful home with stuff. And barely a Daddy to share it with because this daddy can't seem to handle real life, and he clearly cannot handle this broken mommy... and it's not because he's WORKING a lot. It's because He cannot seem to function in THIS world as it is. And I'm gonna say it. I no longer care what others think. Ask me of I care!!! I KNOW this problem is because his REAL father, the DNA one, a father of "GOD" who cheated on and left his mother for a YOUTH in the ministry group couldn't possibly care less about his own 3 offspring. HIS concern went to some lucky lottery winner, an adopted daughter. So what do you think THAT would do to a son?? or three? Think there's a relation between all 3 boys being addicts of some kind for 20+ years now? I'm sure that douche never even thinks twice about his sons. And then the mighty "step-father" who taught them John Wayne Love: that REAL men never talk, never show emotions, never cry, never make eye-contact at the dinner table... wtfever!!! All around he's screwed. Not much backbone of support from anywhere. Clearly my support is irrelevant. Figures, the one who wants to spend the rest of his life with him gets the aftermath of 2 douchebag fathers. Whatever. He does work long hours, but that seems to fill his mental capacity. So regardless of the quantity of days off this daddy has, be it 10 or be it 2, his choice of time well spent is currently in a ps4 game called Destiny. I sure hope she's beautiful.


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