Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Light and the Darkness

I have seen the light and still I deny it. Some people may call that mental illness. I’ll call it stubbornness.

I slept in a bed with the shadow of the hand of God on the ceiling above me. I think I was 4. It was so perfect. Stretched out the entire shape of my ceiling. Not a single flaw, not a single part of it angled down the wall. I checked to see if my hands were under the covers, they were. I checked to see if anything was at the window, nope. Nothing at my door. Lamp wasn’t on. There was no other explanation. I called for my Dad, he turned on the light, and it was gone. He turned out the light, and it was still gone. Peculiar. I felt no fear, only confusion.

I’ve seen a group of LDS elders lay their hands on a 3-month-old child burning with a fever over 102 degrees pray to God to heal her, and within 20 minutes her fever was gone.

I felt the van approaching oncoming traffic with a rush I can’t even fathom while I was unable to even breathe and had no control or strength in my body, and then it just stopped itself.

One pound Six Ounces. Everyone, through photos, has watched this little miracle grow. There is simply no other explanation than God.

I’m not preaching, trust me, that’s just not me. I get irritated when people preach to me.

I have seen the dark. I have lived in it a vast majority of my life. It’s not a pleasant place to be. It’s not comforting. It’s not warm or peaceful. It’s not somewhere anyone should enjoy being. I’ve been there: by choice, by force, absentmindedly, unconsciously, subconsciously, sober, intoxicated, medicated, under extreme stress, while irrevocably depressed. I don’t like it there.

I have seen the devil. You may laugh, but I cry. He’s the man who touched me when I was 7. He’s the boyfriend my mom had when I was 9 who beat the hell out of her all the time. He’s the friend who introduced my husband to crystal meth when he was a teen. He’s the drug dealer who sells my mom and entire family pain killers every week. He’s my cousin who steals from the rest of the family. He’s the scumbag in Vegas who robs people on a daily basis. He’s the eye doctor who’s running a scam on preemies taking advantage of the families. And he’s probably somebody you know as well. Probably somebody you don’t want to know.

All I know is the Light is wonderful, God is peaceful, and the Devil can go to Hell.


  1. See?

    I know besties arent supposed to say "I told you so" BUT -

    I told you not to shut the blog down... you might have something to say and no where to put it. And here ya go! You had something to say...

    And where would you have put this if not in a blog post? =)

    Love ya babe!

  2. That was powerful stuff Jess! I don't even think you know how powerful it was. Thank you for the perspective tonight. It was what I needed.

  3. My Jes, sitting here with tears of joy, and tears of sadness when I read some of things I didn't know about! Love ya!

  4. As Adrienzgirl said. Very powerful! I hope you keep blogging.



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