Can't Live With Them and It's Illegal to Kill Them!!

“If I were a Stay-at-home-Dad, things would get done a lot better around here.”

Um… What??

Did I hear that right? Did he really just say that?

As a matter of fact… Yes. He. Did. And I just stood there staring at him, completely and utterly dumbfounded. I couldn’t laugh at his stupid ass, I couldn’t snicker, grin, glare, or even roll my eyes. I just stared… blankly… stupefied… in awe that those words actually, factually, realistically came out of his mouth.

After a few moments I managed a weakly irritated, “Oh Really?”

And he just smiled a very confident smile. I could literally feel every fluid begin to boil in my body. So I found something that needed to be taken to the kitchen and I left the room, leaving him alone on the bed. I collected my thoughts, took a few deep breaths, and returned for debate.

“Sooooo… what… you think I sit here on my ass all day watching soap operas and eating bon bons? Do you actually have ANY idea what I do??”

And he says, brace yourselves ladies, “Well I’d be able to manage my time better than you. I’d feed the kids, play my game for 15 minutes, wash the dishes, play my game for 15 minutes, do a load of laundry, play my game for 15 minutes, it would be EEEEASYYYYY. I would LOVE staying home all the time. I could do WHATEVER. I. WANTED.”

So now I AM. TOTALLY. LAUGHING. And at the same time I am completely irritated by his insolence. I can feel myself getting incredibly defensive too but I have nothing to throw at his stupid fat head. Here HE is telling ME that MY housekeeping skills are just not up to par when HE DOESN’T. DO. ANYTHING. ANYWHERE. EVER! Not even at work! For fear of incriminating him, I cannot go into detail there, but I will say that I know for a FACT that he has the easier job between the two of us.

During this conversation my head is wandering into his little fantasy land and I can completely see this vision of the house in my head: the beautiful hard wood floors covered in so much who-knows-what that you can't even see the color of it; the dining room table piled high with dirty dishes, his laptop, and misc. kids games; the kitchen and both bathroom trash cans overflowing to the floor with trash; the kids wearing pj's they put on a week prior and never took off; the kids' rooms completely thrashed; drinks and snack packages scattered all over the end tables and floor; UPS and FEDEX boxes piled up outside the front door; frozen pizza boxes stacked up on the stove; every cupboard door opened in the kitchen and the contents crudely dissected all over the kitchen because the kids were starving and tired of waiting for daddy to get up to feed them; and my darling husband sitting comfortably on the only clean spot of the couch with the coffee pot and a half gallon of vanilla coffee mate right next to him, playing the newest released version of Killzone on the ps3 for his 153^rd consecutive 15 minute period.

“Do you know how many times I sat down today?? 4 times, and that was ONLY while I was feeding the baby. I don’t sit on my ass and do nothing all day, I am constantly working, and the kids are always undoing everything. There is no way you’d be able to do what I do, let alone do it better!!!”

The conversation went on, he insulted my wife skills some more, my cleaning skills, my time-management skills, he stood his ground, certain he’d be a better housewife than I. I know better. But I told him I’d love to let him have a try. If I ever find my dream job, where I can make what he makes or more, he can gladly stay home and try to prove me wrong.

Here is an example of his laziness. When we first moved back out to NV we stayed with his parents for 3 months while we were deciding where to go and what we wanted to do. We had no kids and no debt at the time. He literally sat on his ass the entire 3 months playing EQ3 with his Dad. I played with them also, but I stopped to spend time  scrapbooking with his mom, visiting friends, and living. He played the game for the 3 months. So I already know he’ll make a lousy housewife. And it’s not that he can’t do it. Because he can. He’s actually a fantastic cook and can clean great when HIS friends are coming over and wants to impress THEM or when he wants to get laid. He just chooses not to do these things 99.9% of the time.

He’s just too lazy to be a good housewife. He had 4 days off last week and played his computer game for 75+ hours. That meant he stayed up ALL night 3 of the nights to play it. He slept for about 12 hours the entire time. He did keep the baby for me and let me sleep but when he fed the baby, he propped the bottle in his mouth while in the basinet right next to him so he didn’t have to stop playing his game to feed him. So how exactly does he think he’s going to beat me in my job if he can’t stop playing a game for 20 minutes to hold and feed his son? Men are idiots! I’m gonna make him a list of everything I do, and then I’m gonna take a week’s vacation with some girlfriends. We’ll see what he does. LOL!