Post it Note Tuesday - Pregnancy Reminders

Today is PINT. So head on over to The Only Parent Chronicles to make your own or just read some of the others. And don't forget to link up! :)

Before I Complain Again...

When I saw that car crossing the median on the freeway, it didn’t quite register. My heart started thumping but I wasn’t actually scared until we’d been knocked into the median. I remember thinking, “Oh God, I’m, never going to get married.” But I wasn’t actually Afraid. I was worried, but not in a state of panic.

When I heard from the other end of the line, “Your dad is dead,” I dropped to my knees and lost full composure. There was nothing else to think about except that he was gone. I wasn’t afraid, I was heartbroken.

When I heard these words out of the doctor’s mouth, “He has a large pneumonia in his lung.” My heart sank. He wasn’t even two yet. I was scared out of my mind, but I did my best to hold myself together. I had great support there with me, people who tried to take the burden away as much as possible. But I was scared out of my mind, honestly. That was my baby. And I couldn’t fix it with a Mommy Kiss. All I could do was sit there next to him in the hospital and wait for him to get better. I read to him, played movies on my laptop, talked to him, played as much as he was allowed, tickled his skin to help him fall asleep, and tried my best not to let him see me cry. I never left the hospital as long as he was in there.

This time, I’m lost. I’ve been having pre-term contractions for over a week now, and I am barely five and a half months along. 22 weeks. And my cervix is extremely soft. It’s way too early for this wee one to meet the world. Way too early! I’m completely at a loss for what to do.

The doctor gave me meds to help stop the contractions. I still feel them. And it scares the hell out of me.

First of all, we live in a SMALL town 3 hours north of where my doctor is in Vegas. We basically have a band-aid store here. They’re not qualified for labor, let alone premature labor!

Second, I have limited friends here and no family. All my friends work during the day also, as does my husband.

Third, I have a two- and three-year-old to take care of. Very busy monkeys they are!

So before God and everyone, I take back all complaints I’ve had about being pregnant. I take back everything I said about not enjoying it. I didn’t mean that I wanted the baby gone. I want her, very much. Alive, FULL-TERM, and healthy. I want her to stay in there as long as she needs to. I do not want this pregnancy to end early by any means just because I have been utterly miserable. I can take it. I’m strong. I’m able. She’s NOT! Give me the pain, but let her be. Let her grow like she’s supposed to and become a healthy girl who is going to keep me up every night.

So now, I am relaxing. On the couch watching movies with the kids. Listening to them making messes. Watching them jump on the furniture. I’m trying to relax. To not clean where it needs it. To not do anything. I have just over 4 months to go still, and by golly I will lay here until she is grown and healthy enough to come out. I will take these meds to lessen the contractions. And I will stop bitching about being fat. I will do whatever it takes to keep her in there.

Next week I go get my cervix measured and find out for sure if this IS indeed a girl! And I believe from here on out I will see the doc more frequently.

No more complaining!

Post it Note Tuesday - Just a Few Reminders

It is Post It Note Tuesday once again! I Love Tuesdays! Click on the link above to head on over to the Only Parent Chronicles to make your own and link up or to just read some of the other Post It Notes.

Conditioned

I love to write. Anything. I may not be funny. I may not be a good writer. But I LOVE to write! It is an awesome outlet for me. As are all forms of art. This is one of my favorite poems that I have done. May everyone capture the meaning...

CONDITIONED

Serving worldly others, 

without assisting self.
Money bought salvation, 

repent to save thyself.
Conditioned, thoughtless lemmings, 

with educated hate.
Poisoned short of envy. 

Obliterate. Sedate.
Following their footsteps, 

as staggered as they are.
Blinding youth. Misguiding. 

A chalice lined with tar.
Narcism hovers righteously, 

shallow in its vein.
Bulging out with demons, 

dealing out disdain.
Convincing severed followers 

that Heaven left this path,
Leading us to gobble up 

the gold of satan’s wrath.
Simplicity forgotten, 

abused, and on retreat.
Betraying all with open eyes, 

weakening their feet.
A world of putrid venom, 

ignoring love’s release.
Sheltering in harbor 

the souls away on lease.
Rights have all been taken. 

“Free” no more exists.
Camera flash determines 

what the masses now will miss.

Copyright Jessica Kallio 2004.

Friday Confessional

So this is my first time joining in with Glamazon Mormon Mom for Friday Confessional.

I Confess...
• I like to complain.
• My mind is always somewhere it isn't supposed to be, but I can't help it.
• I don't brush my hair after I wash it!
• I spend too much time on my laptop.
• I hate being pregnant! Seriously.
• I want to be somewhere else! Not here, not at all.
• I am envious of women who brag about how great their man is.
• I am incredibly jealous that my BFF got a tummy tuck and I am plumply pregnant!
• I drink too much coffee this pregnancy but I have a 2- and 3-year-old to keep up with!
• I often cry myself to sleep. Not sure if it's a missing thing, or an incredibly hormonal thing, but I do.
• I have no patience for A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
• I am cranky all the time, and I hate myself for it.
• I feel the next 4 months is going to be the longest 4 freaking months of my life!!!
• if I continue confessing, something really bad may come out!

Share a Spoon - Pumpkin Cookies

It is COOKIE week!!! Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Friends You Love and Think Tank Momma are bringing a warm-hearted, friendly Cookie Exchange to the Blogging World! Head over to Think Tank Momma's to post your favorite cookie recipe and link it up to share with us! Or if you aren't a blogger but would still like to share your recipe give it to the Think Tank Momma and she'll post it for you.

Since it’s fall. And Halloween is approaching. And pumpkin anything ROCKS, I went with Pumpkin!!! So here is my 2 cents worth of recipes this week! These cookies came out so soft and cake-like!

 

Pumpkin Cookies

Ingredients

• 8 ounces butter, softened
• 1 cup splenda
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup pumpkin puree
• 2 cups rolled oats
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon nutmeg
• 1 cup raisins (optional)
• 1 1/2 cups wheat flour

Directions

1.     Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2.     Cream together butter, splenda, and brown sugar until fluffy. Beat in egg, vanilla and pumpkin.

3.     In a separate bowl, mix together the oats, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, raisins(if preferred) and flour. Stir into pumpkin mixture.

4.     Drop cookies by the heaping teaspoonful on to cookie sheets covered with parchment paper. Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until slightly browned around edges.

5.    Remove from oven and place on cooling racks. Enjoy!

Post it Note Tuesday - The Bachelor Party

It is Post It Note Tuesday once again! Click on the link above to head on over to the Only Parent Chronicles to make your own or to just read some of the others notes.

If I'm Crazy, What Does That Make HER??

She Listens.
She listens to ME!
She listens to me bitch.
She listens to me bitch about everything and complain about nothing.
She listens to my ranting, moaning, whining, things that make me happy, others that make me sad, things I remember, others that I just want to forget.
She listens.

And more importantly, she hears.
She hears me.
She hears me when I’m not asking for advice but need it, when I need consoled but haven’t made it obvious, when I just need someone to acknowledge my existence. She hears through few words that I am sad, that I am happy, that I am a little off my rocker and forgot to take my happy pills.
She hears.

She notices,
She notices things I don’t say, things I am not talking about, things I haven’t mentioned that maybe need to be brought out.

She cares,
Unconditionally, she cares about my well-being, my feelings, my dreams, my aspirations, my cranky ass, me.

She understands.
OK, she doesn’t always understand, but she tries. And even when she doesn’t totally get me, she still gets me.

She’s blunt, hasn’t got an ounce of sugar coating in her entire body. And I love her for that. She tells me what I need to hear, NOT what I want to hear. She offers words that are best fitted to the circumstance, instead of telling me something just to pacify my mood. If I am wandering too far from reality, she snaps me back into life.
She pays attention.

She’s creative. A great writer who happens to have an amazing idea for a novel that she needs to start writing! A great photographer. She’s very stylish and girly (the opposite of me).

She likes many things in opposition to my likes and likes few of the things that I do. She pisses me off. I piss her off. She thinks I am crazy. I think she is crazy. And at the end of the day, there isn’t anyone else I’d rather fit into my heart the way she fits.

She supports my decisions, no matter how far-fetched they may be. And even if she doesn’t completely agree with me, she still stands by my side and defends me.

She’s original.
She’s loyal.
She’s amazing.
She’s mouthy.
She’s cynical and bitter (like me).
She’s playful and funny.
She’s honest.
She’s one who could care less if she “fits” in, like me.
She’s a great mom.
She’s a great wife who needs spoiling more.

She’s always there for me.
And I will always be here for her.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing... not curing... that is a friend indeed." ~ Henri Nouwen

What I'd Give for One More Minute...

Dear Dad,

Happy Birthday!

You’d really be getting on in your years., but I’m sure where you are there is no age. And no pain either. I know you suffered a lot.

If you were here, we’d be taking you to Olive Garden for your birthday dinner. Great times.

Kaida and Draven see your photos all the time, and your guitar, and they say, “That’s Grandpa!”

I wish they could have met you. I know you’d love them, and they’d adore you and wear you out every chance they got!

We’re having another baby. This one will be the last. You know I’ve always wanted a large family, but my body can’t physically handle going through this again. I guess I should pray for His help more, but I just don’t feel worthy of it.

Michelle is having another baby as well. She’s having a boy, the same time mine is due. Funny huh? It’s almost like we planned it together! Breonna is getting so big! Her and Draven both have your gorgeous blue eyes!

Toby still won’t talk to me. It’s been six years and his stubborn ass is still loaded with pride. He spends more time with the rest of the family now that he is on the rocks with his wife. Maybe someday he’ll grow up.

You left so fast that I never got to tell you how much you were appreciated. I missed out on so much growing up without you there. But you more than made up for it while I was in college. I got to know the real you, instead of the You everyone else told me about. Even though our time together was short, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I miss you so much.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night to your voice singing Marty Robins classics.

I miss the times in your garage with you, Toby, Todd, and Brad, just goofing off with music.

I miss the holiday dinners we’d have, where we’d trick you into eating food you claimed to hate!

I miss playing monopoly at all hours of the night, and having such hysterical laughing fits that no one else in the room could play anymore!

I miss everything about you.

I still cry when I hear your voice, when I look through photos, when I really remember that you’re gone. I don’t know how to be strong. Sometimes I still get angry. I waited so long to have you in my life, and when I finally had you in it you were taken. I still don’t understand.

I do thank God for the time we had together, and for allowing me to really get to know you.

I see you in my dreams often. It makes me feel like you are doing ok, but you’re still here, watching us. The most vivid still is where you reached through the glass window to hold my hand. I can still feel that. I will hold onto that dream forever.

Thank you for everything you did and everything you were. And still are to me.

I don’t know if you celebrate birthdays up there, but know that down here I’m still remembering you on yours.

I hope we see each other again some day. There is a song I play often that reminds me of you. It’s a country song, you would have loved it. It may be meant for a lost love, but it twists my heart every time I hear it and makes me think of you.

“I talk to friends, talk to myself, talk to God, I pray like hell but I still miss you.

I’ve tried sober, I’ve tried drinking, I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak but I still miss you.

I’ve done everything, moved on like I’m supposed to,

I’d give anything for one more minute with you,

I still miss you!”

 I love you Dad! Happy Birthday!

Love, Me

Post it Note Tuesday - Don't be Bitter

National Friendship Month: My BFF- From the Beginning

September is National Friendship Month! How exciting. 

It’s all about your BFF, making  new friends, maybe finding old friends and reconnecting. In the blogging world there seems to be a big commotion about this month. My BFF over at the Blue Zoo is part of the Commotion Makers Guild, so head over to her page to check out the cool upcoming events. It sounds like a lot of fun. And, being her best friend makes me automatically out of the running for all the cool prizes and stuff. :( Cause she’s a judge, and extremely biased towards me… :) … and I already win because I DO have the bestest BFF EVER!!! So who else could she possibly pick over me? Yeah, so needless to say, I’m now a sponsor of the cool events and not a participant. But that is certainly not going to stop me from posting about my Bestie!

So bite me judges. Or send me some bite-sized brownies. You know, the little ones with the walnuts on top? Anyways, there is a lot to say about my one and only, so I am breaking it up into multiple posts. This first one is just a background of us, very brief background! How we met and all. Read on.

I believe we were 11 or 12 and it was the beginning of 7^th grade.

Yeah.

She was the new girl in school. Well, I was too but I had known most of the students for most of my life. We traveled a lot, which meant I went to many different schools (14 to be exact). But always managed to wind up back in Winnemucca.

Anyways, the first day she was there we met. And we just clicked. From that point on we did most everything together. You know, all the silly things teenage girls do: share boyfriends, share crushes, share pillows and clothes. There were 5 or maybe 7 of us, I think, who were all great friends. We’d pair off at different times for different things. But she and I were the most common pair.

I even called her mom, “Mom.”  And she was one of the few friends my mom actually liked!

After three years, I moved again. Then she moved. We lost touch for a while, a long while actually. I moved again, she moved again. We were both on our own and living our own lives. After many more years we both ended up back in Winnemucca, simultaneously, and both pregnant, her with her last and me with my first. 

We connected again instantly. I’d been through a lot of disappointing friendships on my broken road, so I was, of course, a little leery to dive right back into another. Even though we’d known each other for sooooo long, we’d been apart for long enough that we needed to really take the time to get to know each other again.  And so we did.

Together, we have a lot in common. We also have a lot of differences. But somehow, we just connect.

I’ve had a rough 6 years, since my Dad died. Actually it was right before then that I broke my back. I had to drop out of college, then got married, Dad died, we sold our house, and moved 3000 miles back to sweet home Winnemucca, once again! Plus I had a very rugged childhood. So, throw all that into a pot and mix it up and you’ll understand why there are times when I’m not the friendliest person, or the easiest to get along with. To put it bluntly, I’m a bitch! I’ve been through a lot of twists in my life. So, I don’t take crap from people, I don’t let people walk all over me, and I tell people exactly what I think, something my hubby gets embarrassed by!

She also had an interesting journey on her road. She married the Scum of the Earth, but walked away alive, thankfully. She’d been through crappy relationships, interesting ones, moved a lot, than met Robert. She has 4 boys, well 5 including the husband, cause let’s face it, husbands are just large children that we have to also take care of!

We live 4 hours apart and are always talking either on the phone, through texting, or through Yahoo Messenger. We bitch, we nag, we plot ways to kill our husbands and collect their insurance money… did I say that out loud? Just kidding. Well, maybe. We talk about the kids, the families, all the stupid crap that pisses us each off. We piss each other off, but laugh about it later (at least I do). But, there isn’t anyone else I could talk to like I do her. She is my dearest and closest friend. And in the next post, I’ll tell you why.

Don’t forget to check out her page for other Friendship Month links and to just meet her if you haven’t already. She’s real, and she’s amazing.

Kaida Talk

“Mommy, why you lookin’ at me?”

“Because I love you!”

Kaida smiles and snuggles into the couch across from me.

“And because I think you’re pretty awesome.”

“Pretty?” she asks because she loves to hear that she IS indeed pretty!

“No. I said, Pretty Awesome!”

“I not awesome, I Kaida!” she says as if she knows everything.

“Yes, and you’re pretty awesome!”

“No, me not AWESOME! ME KAIDA!!!!” this time there is frustration in her voice.

I laugh, and say, “Well you’re a pretty awesome Kaida.”

She smiles and says, “Yeah, awesome Kaida.” Then thinks for a moment. “I’m a princess!!”

I said, “Yes, you are.”

Then using both pointer fingers to point to herself, she very clearly and sternly says, “I’m Kaida, a PRINCESS!!!”

I laugh and say, “Yes, you ARE a princess. You are a Pretty Awesome Princess Kaida.”

She grins, very pleased with the talk.

Then Daddy walks in and sits down near her. She looks at him, then at me, smiles, and says, “I’m pretty awesome!”